I Wasn’t Enough
Greetings, my Lovelies!
Yes, I know it has been a while. As per usual with me, life has been life-ing. As I sit back and see everything going on in this great big world, it is my greatest hope that your small corner is at peace and that you are safe, healthy, happy, and hopelessly in love.
Lately I’ve been thinking back to all of the relationships I’ve had – romantically, sexually, and of course, my friendships. Fifty-Two years’ worth of thinking and y’all, it’s been an emotional trip down introspective lane. The good, the bad, the sad, the amazing – it’s a bit overwhelming.
There have been good relationships and bad, as is part of life. But what has been most prevalent on this mental and emotional journey is the number of people who have turned their backs on me and walked away with no explanation whatsoever. It has happened over and over again, and each time it does, it shatters something within me.
I’m such a lover. I love to support, encourage, and cheer for my people. I always have and always will. I love seeing people succeed. I love seeing people happy, chasing their dreams, and achieving their goals.
What I simply can’t understand is why I’ve been left behind so damn often. I’ve had so many people walk out on me. They just disappear and never say another word to me. It leaves me wondering what I did or said that pushed them away. Did I not do something they needed? Did I do something that pissed them off? I guess my biggest question is why they didn’t at least talk to me and tell me why they were stepping away?
A simple explanation would be much appreciated so I’m not constantly left wondering why or what I could have done differently. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for or expect.
Y’all, I’m not talking about casual acquaintances. I’m talking about people I was close enough with that we could walk into each other’s houses without knocking. People that were some of my best friends, who I was constantly together with – attached at the hip, as they say. People I’ve taken trips with. People I’ve had regular “girls’night out” with. People I’ve been intimate with in many different ways. People I thought were truly my friend.
I feel as if I’ve spent an exorbitant amount of time thinking about all of this, and I’ve come to a singular conclusion about all the people who have ghosted me.
I wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough to keep them in my life. I wish I could say it was likely something lacking within them, but it has happened to me time and again, so the lack must be with me. This is what I’ve come up with. I’m the common denominator.
I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, supportive enough, loving enough. I wasn’t there for them enough. I wasn’t SOMETHING enough. I wasn’t what they wanted – at least not long term.
And coming to these conclusions has done one thing to me. It has made me feel betrayed and used.
I was used to entertain them. I was used for the gifts I gave. I was used because they thought they could and eventually did get something from me. Once they got what they wanted, they no longer had any use for me, and they simply threw our relationship away.
I’ve given my friendship, support, and encouragement. I’ve been fully dedicated. I’ve given my time and energy. I’ve given gifts. I’ve given my heart and fucking soul. And each time they leave, I’m left with nothing but questions.
It hurts. Dear GOD it hurts! I have so much love to give, and every time I open myself and allow someone in, I get hurt. Is it any wonder I’ve started adding multiple locks to that door? Is it any wonder I don’t easily let people in? It’s enough to make me wonder if anyone has ever truly loved me and wanted my friendship. (Well, other than a small handful of people who I’ve never once doubted.)
It’s so damn exhausting, y’all, and I really don’t know if I have it in me to keep putting myself out there. It just feels far safer for my mental and emotional health to stay in my cave. And I truly hate that I feel that way.
Anyway, this is where I’m at today. I heard this song as I was driving to the refuge a couple of days ago, and I simply couldn’t hold back the tears.
Y’all, if I allow you in and you decide down the road things aren’t what you thought they would be with me, please just talk to me. I’m not going to try to convince you to stay if you want to go. But please don’t leave me wondering why I wasn’t enough.
Whew! Okay. I need to get out of this house for a bit. I hope you all have the most amazing day and remember that I love and appreciate you!
Until next time and always…
Have courage. Be kind. Be happy!
Much love and healing from me to you,
Shelly (a/k/a Dawn Love)
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